Dedicated to four of my heroes that became my angels: Oval Leon McClure (“Pappy”), Betty Jean Lyons (“Mommaw”), Joy Maude McClure (“Granny”), and J.R. Pinder (cousin).
I was reluctant to write a post on grief because I know so many people who have lost parents, siblings, spouses, and even their own child. I didn’t feel that my grief even compared to others’. In just a matter of 12 months, my world, as I knew it, changed.
May 12, 2011 – I can distinctly remember where I was sitting in my living room, who was there, and what I was doing when the dreaded phone call came. The voice on the other end was my uncle Mike, mom’s twin. “It’s mom”, he said. Without hesitation, we knew what that meant. Mommaw’s heart had been giving her trouble for a couple years now, and we knew it was weak, but we didn’t expect this to happen. Not yet.
Mommaw was one of my very best friends in the world. I was her baby. She was my angel, my hero. There was nothing in this world this precious soul would not do for me. I can remember being about 8 years old and wanting to learn to play piano. Mommaw had this really nice, almost antique, piano (that she played well, I might add). I believe she played it every day, as long as her back wasn’t hurting too bad. When I would go visit, she would always play for me and ask me to sing for her. As I got older, she ALWAYS requested the song, “I Bowed on My Knees and Cried Holy” (a song that I would later sing at her funeral). She would cry, almost weep, every time she heard that song. She knew where she was going when she left this earth. She knew when she took her last breath, she was going to be with Jesus, her mother, her husband who passed away at 30 years old, and so many more. Whether or not it sounded good, she always made me feel like I was the most special girl in the world, and she made me feel like a star. Back to the piano story though. As much as she loved her piano, the moment I told her I wanted a piano, she had my grandfather load it up in his truck and take it to my house. Completely selfless. Gosh, I admire how selfless she lived. I could go on and on with stories about my sweet Mommaw.
I mentioned my grandfather (mom’s dad) passing away when he was just 30. Mom and her twin were just 4 years old, and their sister Deb was a few years older. He had been diagnosed with cancer. In his final days, he became incoherent and bed ridden. In weeks, he hadn’t spoken a clear word. He was in a coma. One day, he crashed. He was dead. Doctors and nurses did their thing and brought him back for a moment. What he said next would change the hearts of family that was in the room, as well as the doctors and nurses. Now, remember I said he hadn’t spoken a clear word in weeks. After he was revived, he said, “Why did you bring me back? I saw The Lord waiting to take me home.” He took my sweet Mommaw by the hand and said, “Sweetheart, I’m sorry I won’t be with you to help raise the babies, but The Lord is going to take care of you.” Then, he said the sweetest prayer and passed away. This happened 19 years before I was even born, and it changed my life. It also changed the lives of his brother, who accepted Christ as his savior in that very hospital room. It changed the lives of the staff who witnessed this miracle.
Back to the night Mommaw passed. I had never watched anyone die before my eyes, and seeing the paramedics unsuccessfully administering CPR, I felt so helpless. She was gone, and I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. I spent nearly the whole year prior visiting her as much as possible, but it still didn’t feel like enough time. I held my precious momma, who had just lost her best friend in the world. From the time mom was little, these two were inseparable. Mommaw was her rock. OUR rock.
When I think about how much it hurts that Mommaw, Granny, and JR are no longer with us in flesh, that story gives me the strength I need to get through. They are with Jesus! As my precious mom puts it – they have gone on the best vacation of their lives, and we GET to go, too! They just got there first.
January 15, 2012 – Only 10 months after losing my sweet Mommaw, my Granny passed away after battling pancreatic cancer for a couple years. She was such a fighter. Granny was probably one of the toughest women I’d ever known. She fought hard up until her last couple days on earth. Granny loved the company of her family more than anything else. She loved having people around – the more, the merrier. In fact, just 3 months before she passed away, she was recorded on home video dancing on a cruise ship. She was so full of life and joy. And that was her name – Joy. She could make anyone laugh no matter the situation. Her final moments on earth perfectly portrayed the influence she had on the people she loved. Two nights before she passed, she was surrounded in her own living room by family and friends who loved her dearly. It was the sweetest time, as we sang hymns around her bed and, one by one, hugged her and said our goodbyes. She could hardly speak or move her head, but she had joy even then. She, too, knew where she was going when she took her final breath. I said she could make people laugh during any situation, and, well, her final moments were no exception. We asked her what song she wanted us to play and sing, and her response? “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart…” We laughed, even then, and sang the song about her. As the time seemed to dreadfully draw nearer to her passing, as everyone was sobbing and saying goodbye, she called for my uncle Kevin and whispered something in his ear. On the edge of our seats, and as silence swept across that living room, he began to laugh. “What did she say?” seemed to be what everyone was asking. “She wants me to get that picture Jennifer drew of Ross”. Now, if you know my family, this is so funny because at the moment of saying goodbye and singing hymns over sweet granny, she was thinking of this silly picture I drew of my uncle. She filled so many hearts with joy and love, and everyone who knew her loved her. She joined her husband, my sweet pappy (who died when I was 5), in heaven on January 15, 2012.
March 21, 2012 – Dad called home from church that night. The following words cut through like a dull knife: “JR was in a wreck and didn’t make it”. “JR? OUR JR? JR Pinder?” was all that I could manage to utter. It sounds cliche, but it truly did seem like a nightmare. So surreal, so unexpected. Although we are never prepared, we know at some point in life that we will bury parents, grandparents, and even spouses. What’s NEVER expected is to bury a child. My cousins, Jeremy and Ginger Pinder, faced the most difficult tragedy one could possibly face – the loss of their 16 year old son, JR Pinder.
I remember the day Ginger found out she was pregnant with her first born, JR. My dad called his sister, Debbie, in the Bahamas to congratulate her on becoming a grandma for the first time – so much joy and excitement in her voice over the phone. The day JR was born, I remember he had the cutest big cheeks, bright blue eyes, and a big pacifier in his mouth. I hardly remember seeing him without it, as a baby. Then, as Stevie (my brother) was born, then Chase, these three boys were practically inseparable. JR looked after the younger boys, and, although they had their disagreements, they loved each other. They looked out for each other. His sister, Kaitlyn, was born a few years later, and you could see so much love pouring out of JR for his baby sister. He looked out for her, and it was evident. JR was always smiling, telling jokes, and making people laugh. He was so full of life and good at everything he did – golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, fishing, etc. He was passionate. He was also passionate about Jesus, his Savior, and he wasn’t ever ashamed to let people know.
I cannot fathom the grief that Jeremy and Ginger face as the parents of this precious boy; however, they have put all of their hope in Jesus and the fact that they WILL see him again soon. He’s with his Creator, and he’s much better off than any one of us.
The deaths of these special individuals in my life have certainly changed me. There’s always the thoughts: What I would give to hold them, or, If I could just get a glimpse of them in heaven. But, I have Hope, and his name is Jesus Christ. For He is holding them now, and there’s nowhere else they would rather be. The One who holds them now is the very One who gave His only Son to be tortured and beaten to death so that we could be with Him in heaven. God the Father knows what this kind of loss feels like.
I’ve said many times since these precious people have passed that I would give anything to have them back for just a day. How selfish am I? They’re in no pain, have no sadness, and are with Jesus in a place of everlasting joy, and I’m wishing them to come back!? I know it’s not that unusual to have feelings like that, but the best way I can honor them is to be and do everything God would have me to do. I have a peace that surpasses ALL understanding and an excitement in my heart because I will get to join them one day when my life here is done!
I hope this has been encouraging for anyone who has experienced grief and loss.
To Jesus – I dedicate my life. To Pappy, Mommaw, Granny, and JR – I do it in your honor.
Here are some pictures of my angels:
Jennifer's Journey 